Happy Birthday You Existential Bastard

June 24, 2010

I turned 17, but it really doesn’t feel like it to be honest. Although I’ve always had problems with reality. I often think of myself in the third person. Seeing what happened, what you’ve done, what you’ve written, it feels like I’m reading someone else’s words. I tend to place myself in what I’m reading, what I’m watching, and I become  part of it. But I also feel like I lose myself. But which is the reality, the book or the one reading the book. I’m mostly just paranoid, but I’m never sure. After my short term memory is over, I begin to think, did it really happen? I mean what proof is there out there? My memories? No, they don’t feel real. Written documents, witnesses, etc.? Read some 1984. He brings up a good point. How can we prove anything? The victor writes history. Our perception of reality is about as much proof we have. I’ve always wondered if I was in a dream (I just finished watching Kanon teehee) Sometimes, when I go to the bathroom, I wonder if I really am going to the bathroom. There are several philosophies concerning reality. Ayn Rand’s Objectivism claims (if I can remember my studies correctly) what you see, is real, it is reality. If it is what you see, then isn’t it reality? Clearly we exist because we think, so doesn’t that make it reality? Sort of makes us god. If we can change what we percieve, we become creators. I always thought it was ironic that people would be considered insane because they believed their insanity was normal. Who is really the insane one? When I think back to existentialism and nihilism, I wonder, if we can’t prove what we see is there, then what’s the point? Of course, existentialism claims it is essential to create that meaning for yourself. You can start by believing this is reality. However I’m too paranoid to simply accept a reality. You can’t prove anything, except that you exist can you? I’ve often seen reality being a theme of many works of arts. I did a research essay on it for my Literature class. Kanon had it, and other anime had it. Characters who bend reality, choose what they see, and sometimes without even realizing. Yuuchi didn’t realize for years that Ayu actually fell. Kaori wouldn’t admit that she had a sister. We’re selfish things, completely changing what we are, who we are, and what the people we love are, so we don’t suffer. But then, who’s to say the changed reality isn’t the real reality. In Kaiba, memories could be erased, altered, and traded. What a horrible thing to not be sure what really happened. It’s a bad habit of mine whenever I watch or read something to assume that everything that is going on is an illusion, or they’re insane (I had a fucking field day with One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest and A Portrait of The Artist as Young Man) Does becoming an adult mean accepting a reality? I often see adults who seem to have done just that. Is this why we’re considered children? I suppose it’s part of truly maturing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go alter this faggotry I wrote from my memory.

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